Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round the Ole Oak Tree...

In today's Theatre of the Absurd -

Singaporean thumbs mobile phone record -

apparently, a 23-year old woman named Kimberly Yeo recently SHATTERED the world record for sending a text message over the phone, when she thumbed (yep, apparently she didn't type, she "thumbed") the 67-word phrase "The razor-toothed piranhas of the genera Serrasalmus and Pygocentrus are the most ferocious freshwater fish in the world. In reality they seldom attack a human," in a scant 43.24 seconds.

The previous record was 67 seconds, meaning that not only did Yeo best the previous record by nearly 24 seconds, but that she is either a thumb-athlete of historic proportions, or she has way too much time to spend thumbing messages into a handheld device.

Apparently, text messaging is a way of life in Singapore. 80 percent of the country's residents have cell phones, and the most extensive phone system in the country handles a whopping NINE MILLION TEXT MESSAGES PER DAY!!! Per Day!!! Of those, Yeo is responsible for about 50 per day. FIFTY PER DAY!!! Per Day!!!

And this, from a country where it was illegal to chew gum until very recently.

Granted, Yeo's nimble thumbs will pay off for her. She was awarded a prize of S$17,500, which translates to over US$10,000 for those of you who don't know the conversion rate off the top of their heads.

Now, if only her wrists were as speedy as her thumbs, she'd have men lining up to be her boyfriend.
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Python Surprises Man Driving Rental Car -

Not really much to say on this, other than the fact that it seems like every other week, there's some sort of snake story.

Couple discovers snake in swimming pool; Man finds snake in washing machine; Dachshund devoured by family python; Woman watches as snake slithers from faucet head; Man discovers snake while sitting on the john; Millions in shock as snake elected U.S. President.
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Squirrel Steals Yellow Ribbons from Tree -

Damnit. Give me back my fucking ribbons.

Ok, seriously. I hate those damned ribbons. I really do. I mean, it seems like those things go up anytime we want to support anything. Not only is it a direct rip-off of a crappy middle-of-the-road pop song from the 1970s, but those ribbons usually end up getting left up around some beautiful tree, stunting its growth.

Or, if it some how falls from the tree, it ends up helping to pollute the planet. Either way, you people who are putting those ribbons up are NOT helping the greater good!

So, the way I look at it, those pesky squirrels are heroes - of Rocky proportions. Rocky of Rocky & Bullwinkle fame (warning to those at work or in other places where sound is an issue - when this link loads up, the webpage starts off with a loud Bullwinkle phrase), not Rocky of boxing fame. Although he's cool too. But he's not a squirrel, so get with the program.

Seriously though, we Americans put ribbons around trees for every damned reason imaginable. Save this. Save that. Support this. Support that. Eat this. Don't eat that. Am I the only one who thinks it's damned tiresome.

Besides, kind of like pro wrestling, it's just another display of latent homosexuality. I mean, the ribbon code just allows people who think they're straight to display their true tendencies, hoping their friends don't realize they're just imitating the so-called Gay Hanky code.

Time to face the facts folks - by putting up ribbons those yellow ribbons to support the troops, you're secretly admitting that you're either a pisser, or a piss pig. It just depends which way you tie the knot.